One in Three Women

Shining Lights: Creating Faith Communities of Healing, January 2009

Nicole Sotelo

Nicole Sotelo is author of “Women Healing from Abuse: Meditations for Finding Peace.” She coordinates www.WomenHealing.com and leads retreats for abuse survivors. A graduate of Harvard Divinity School, she currently works for Call To Action, a Catholic justice organization.

In the winter holiday season, it is common to see Menorah lights, Solstice trees or Christmas stars ablaze. Unfortunately, Christmas 2008 will be remembered by those attentive to abuse for another blaze: a recently divorced husband who dressed up as Santa and sprayed bullets and fuel at a holiday party of his ex-wife’s family, killing nine people as the family home went up in flames.

The article I read about this tragic Christmas story had quotes from a member of the husband’s Roman Catholic Church community who seemed unaware that anything was wrong in this man’s life. This is not uncommon. Most people of faith, no matter the religious affiliation, do not know that one in three women in their congregations are or will be domestic violence survivors in their lifetimes or that one in six men were sexually abused as boys. Most believers also do not know that they can make a significant difference in whether or not their fellow believers receive help and healing.

Imagine if someone in this man’s Catholic Church had known of the problems facing the family mentioned above and had provided the resources for help? It may have saved nine people’s lives and the suffering of an entire community who knew them. In this new year, consider making not only personal resolutions, but communal resolutions. What can you do in your community to make 2009 safer for those suffering from abuse?

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1) RESOURCES: One of the easiest steps you can take to assist abuse survivors in your faith community is to make available the resources for help and healing. Print up business cards or flyers that can be left in the bathroom of your temple, church or mosque. Include local or national domestic violence hotline numbers, the contact information for local shelters, and perhaps a scripture passage that may give comfort or courage to an abuse survivor. A person alone in a bathroom is more apt to pick up a small piece of paper s/he can slip into a purse or pocket without being seen by his/her abuser. If your faith community has a library, consider donating books about abuse and healing. You might also suggest that domestic violence statistics and a hotline number could be included in the community’s newsletter or bulletin or your religious leader could speak about the topic during a weekly service. It is a great way to educate your fellow believers about abuse and to offer help at the same time. The best thing you can do for someone facing abuse is to refer them to caring and professional support services.

2) TRAINING: Having a religious leader and/or community that is trained to watch for and assist abuse survivors is critical to making your faith community a true sanctuary. Set up a meeting with your religious leader and have a conversation about your concern for abuse survivors in your community. Find out if your religious leader has had pastoral training in this area or if your faith community has had the opportunity to attend a workshop on the topic at your place of worship. If not, consider contacting FaithTrust Institute (www.faithtrustinstitute.org) or The Hope of Survivors (www.thehopeofsurvivors.com) to find out about opportunities for your religious leader(s) and community to be professionally trained to become a community of help and healing.

3)RITUAL: This past Christmas Eve I sat through a minister’s reflection who asked parents in the pews to listen to some questions and answer them in the silence of their hearts. He proceeded to ask fathers if they exercised their authority and protected their families. He asked mothers if they sacrificed themselves for the good of their families. Leaving aside the obvious sexist and heterosexist assumptions, to a family experiencing abuse, these questions could also be heard as religious rational for violent behavior to which some family members should submit. Within any religious tradition, there are rituals, language and symbols that lead us closer to God but we must be mindful of the way that they are heard by those in abusive relationships. There may be a time for parents to sacrifice for their families, but only asking women to sacrifice themselves could be heard by the one-third of female abuse survivors in the congregation as reason to submit to their husband’s abusive behavior. Think about some of the language, rituals and symbols used in your faith community and speak with your pastor about ways of prayer and worship that will help liberate those who are suffering and not further endanger those in abusive relationships. Perhaps you could set up a committee at the parish to look at how you can create a healing environment for abuse survivors. A good question to ask yourself as you review ways of worship is: “How would this be heard/seen/felt by an abuse survivor?”

4) COMMUNITY: One of the most important elements in creating a safe and supportive environment for survivors is community. Is your community one that fosters the building of caring relationships? Someone in an abusive relationship is more likely to reach out for help if they feel they can trust a friend at temple or a pastor at church. How does your faith community rate in hospitality to newcomers, in family-friendly programming, in women and men’s support groups? Do you personally take time to know those worshipping around you? Friendships in a faith community build a web of support to catch those whose relationships may be falling apart.

5) TIMING: Religious holidays can be a combustible time of year for those in abusive relationships. The BBC published an article in late December about the rise in domestic violence calls to local police stations in England over the holidays. With added economic stress and extra time spent among family, holidays can turn into horror for many members of your faith community. Even though it may be tempting to forget the tragedy of abuse during the holidays, remember that it is during this time that abuse survivors may need your help most. Abuse does not take a holiday and neither can our efforts to eradicate it from our communities.